Assume Positive Intent: The Secret to Breaking the Cycle of Misunderstanding in Relationships
Discover how assuming positive intent can help couples break the cycle of defensiveness and misunderstanding.
💬 The Cycle of Misunderstanding
One of the most common challenges I see in couples therapy is what I call the misunderstanding loop — a painful cycle where each partner starts assuming the other has bad intentions.
It might sound like:
“He’s so selfish.”
“She doesn’t care about my feelings.”
“They always do this just to upset me.”
When one person interprets their partner’s actions as unkind or uncaring, they naturally become defensive or withdrawn. That defensiveness then triggers hurt or frustration in the other person — who, in turn, acts in ways that feel equally unkind or uncaring.
And just like that, both partners are caught in a self-reinforcing loop of hurt and protection.
🧩 The Truth About Intentions
Here’s the truth: in most relationships, the original intention behind a hurtful moment is not unkind.
Often, it’s a misunderstanding — a missed cue, a stress reaction, or an emotional bid that got lost in translation. But because we’re wired to protect ourselves, we interpret these moments through a negative lens.
When we assume harm, we armor up. And when we armor up, our partner feels pushed away. It’s a tragic irony — the very thing we do to protect ourselves is what deepens the disconnection.
🕵️♀️ The Stories We Tell Ourselves
Humans are natural storytellers. When something feels off, we try to make sense of it — and often, we fill in the blanks with assumptions.
This process, called mind reading, happens so quickly we don’t even realize we’re doing it.
But here’s the problem: the stories we tell about our partner’s motives are rarely accurate — and they almost always skew negative when we’re hurt or stressed.
So if you’re going to make up a story, make one that brings you closer instead of pulling you apart.
🪞 Therapist Tip: Before reacting, ask yourself, “What else could be true here?”
This one question can shift a moment of tension into an opportunity for understanding.
💖 Assume Positive Intent
What if you started from the belief that your partner means well — even when they mess up?
That they were distracted, not dismissive.
That they were stressed, not selfish.
That they forgot, not that they didn’t care.
Assuming positive intent isn’t about ignoring hurt or minimizing conflict. It’s about choosing curiosity and compassion before judgment.
It’s saying: “I know you care about me, so help me understand what happened.”
That mindset invites safety. And safety is the foundation of every healthy relationship.
🔄 If You Truly Believe They’re Cruel…
If you truly believe your partner is cruel, malicious, or uncaring — it’s worth pausing to ask:
“Why did I choose them?”
“Why am I still here?”
For most couples, that belief doesn’t align with the truth of the relationship. Beneath the frustration, there’s still love, commitment, and longing for connection.
Recognizing that truth helps you reframe conflict as two people trying to feel loved and secure in imperfect ways.
🌱 How to Practice Assuming Positive Intent
Pause before reacting. Notice your interpretation and ask, “What else could be true?”
Get curious, not accusatory. Try, “I felt hurt — can you help me understand what was going on for you?”
Remember your partner’s character. Reflect on what made you choose them.
Revisit your shared values. You’re both on the same team — even when it doesn’t feel like it.
Aim for repair, not proof. The goal isn’t to be right — it’s to reconnect.
💬 Final Reflection
Healthy relationships aren’t about never fighting or never feeling hurt. They’re about staying generous in how we interpret each other’s actions.
When you assume positive intent, you create space for empathy, soften defensiveness, and rebuild the emotional safety your relationship needs to thrive.
It’s not naive — it’s an act of love and maturity.
❤️ Choose to believe your partner means well — until proven otherwise.